Happy Holidays!
The holidays are a challenge this year, and they has given me insight into why many people are disheartened at this time. I don’t think I will be sending out any Christmas letters to recap 2009! Enough said!
Tim, Emily and I plan to help box and distribute food and turkeys on December 24th, through the Lancaster County Project for the Needy. I am excited to be part of this project! I might visit at the Veteran’s Hospital hospice unit at Christmas, where I volunteer. There are people there who have no one at Christmas. Just when we think we are carrying so much, we see that we are not.
There will not be the usual Christmas cookies and goodies this year, since they are not on Tim’s macrobiotic diet. I think I can make a kind of hazelnut cookie that he can eat. I will not make other things to have in the house, although Emily plans to make cookies at her apartment in New York, and will bring a plate of them home. To be completely honest, I haven’t made my old variety of cookies for the last few years, due to a lack of time — so that isn’t so VERY much different this year. I was debating on whether to do a tree, with everything else on our plate this year, but decided to go ahead and decorate.
Tomorrow, Tim goes to see a team of doctors at Johns Hopkins, and a treatment plan will emerge. He has been drinking graviola tea, from the fresh leaves sent to us from the rain forest, three times a day. I keep giving him Reiki, and he says he feels better after the treatments. He has had a series of three colonics.
The macrobiotic cooking is getting a bit easier, and I have been making simpler meals most of the time. For anyone who would like to cook this way, I have some insights: We are keeping an emerging list of grocery staples on hand, and I can do quick work with some of them. This morning, I noticed that Tim didn’t have anything much available for lunch, so I made basmati brown rice, and added chopped raw carrots, celery, green onions and turnip to the cooked rice. That was easy. I am finding that keeping cooked brown rice on hand is helpful. I keep tempeh and tofu in the refrigerator always. Tofu is helpful, since it can be added to any main dish for protein, and can also be whizzed into a sauce. It can be ripped into small pieces and boiled, for a different texture, or frozen and thawed for another. It is very versatile. I am keeping kale or collards in the house, and there are always carrots, squash and other green vegetables. I am still picking watercress from our spring. I have not made seitan for a couple of weeks, but that is nice to have in the refrigerator. I am finding that making an almond or lentil loaf makes a relatively easy evening meal, and then there are leftovers for sandwiches. The trick is keeping certain staples on hand in the refrigerator, so that we never go to the refrigerator hungry after work, and find nothing there. When that happened in the past, we ordered a stromboli — but no more! I decided to always keep another grain, like quinoa or millet, cooked and ready. Cooked legumes are good to have. A pot of lentil stew is convenient to have in the refrigerator. This way, I can prep some foods over the weekend, but can still have foods that are easily made when I have time conflicts. These are little things I have discovered that make it possible for me to cook this way, while working full time. Unless I do some advance meal planning, there is too much long soaking and cooking of whole grains and dried legumes when we are hungry, and too much washing and chopping of fresh vegetables.
I have been feeding the bread sponge that Leah, from my Chaplaincy Foundations course, gave me — I think I might have enough to make bread very soon! It is gloopy and bubbly, so I think it will work! I also have the sponge sent to me from the nice man I found on line. I am looking forward to making bread again, but I have never made bread with a sponge. Years ago, I made some yeastless breads, which were heavy, but delicious…otherwise my bread baking has been pretty traditional.
My attitude toward Tim’s illness has been shifting from shock and enormous grief to acceptance of living with cancer. We decided we won’t listen to a discouraging prognosis, and will march to our own drummer, using any avenues for treatment that present, whether conventional or non-conventional. I thought I could never think about this without a sick gripping of the heart, but I have become so much more matter-of-fact. From what I have heard from other spouses of persons with cancer, it sounds like this is fairly typical. For the first few weeks, we “spice” are an emotional mess, and then we roll up our sleeves and tackle the problem the best we can. A person can only hold so much anxiety and grief, before one either cracks, or has to change their outlook. We are learning the great practices of “not knowing”, and of living in the present moment. Right now, Tim does not feel sick. Life is pretty normal, with the ordinary stresses. The cancer is there, but it is not showing itself. The fear we might feel is only imagining what the future may hold, but the future is not here. If we live in that space of dread now, we are living an illusion, and robbing ourselves of what is good today.
